Last week while running errands I caught the last 10 minutes of part 1 of this 2-part interview of Lee and Leslie Strobel on Focus on the Family titled Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch.
As I listened faces of women who’ve I gone to church with over the years flashed through my mind. The mom of 5 who takes her children to church each Sunday while her husband sits at home – the hypocrisy he’s witnessed in the church has hardened his heart. The woman who changed churches for her husband, but he now refuses to attend. Each week she prays maybe this time. The woman who feels she must hide her faith when her husband’s at home…
As a leader rightly pointed on Facebook last week, my recent article on How to Get Women to Show Up, omitted an attendance challenge many women face – an unsupportive spouse.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the last week about how women’s ministry teams can minister to women who are spiritually mismatched.
I’m afraid we often do more harm than help.
Do our spiritually mismatched women feel supported by the church or do they feel the pressure to pick sides or choose the church over their spouse?
Let’s make certain they feel supported.
11 Ways We Can Minister to Spiritually Mismatched Women in the Church
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1. We must never make women feel guilty for not attending women’s ministry events.
Never. When we put undue pressure on women to attend we can do great harm to the relationship with their spouse and can damage the reputation of the women’s ministry.
2. Pair women with Godly mentors.
All women need encouragement and mentoring, but especially those whose spouse does not share the same beliefs. This is a difficult road to walk, offer to connect them with a Godly guide.
3. Provide childcare at your events and activities whenever possible.
Childcare can be a burden and a point of resentment for a husband who is resistant to church activities and events. Keep in mind #1.
4. Offer studies that support women who are in a different place than their spouse.
While I have not personally read Spiritual Mismatch, you may want to check it out as a possible Bible study option for your women. There are discussion questions at the end of the book and a great 30-day prayer guide. See the bottom of the post for other resources books to explore.
5. Encourage women to choose their spouse over extracurricular church activities.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say we must be at the church every time the door is open. If Sunday morning services are all they can attend without causing friction in their marriage, encourage them during the window of opportunity you do have rather than pushing them to do more.
6. Pray for women who are unequally yoked.
Create a list and seriously commit to praying for the spouse of each woman. Pray for God to soften his heart, for protection of their marriage, for unity, and ultimately for salvation. See the 30-Day Prayer Guide in Spiritual Mismatch for more prayer ideas.
7. Put a stop to any gossip about women who attend church alone.
The church should be a safe place. Gossip may lead her to abandon the church.
8. If there’s a need, offer a support group for women that are spiritually mismatched.
Pray for and recruit women who’ve been in the same situation prior to help lead and mentor the women in the group. Speak with your Pastor to find out if they think there is a need for a support group in your church.
9. Encourage all of your women to live out 1 Peter 3:1-2.
“Wives, likewise, submit to your own husbands. Do this so that even if some of them refuse to believe the word, they may be won without a word by their wives’ way of life. After all, they will have observed the reverent and holy manner of your lives.” How many of us need this pasted on our bathroom mirrors?!
10. Counsel women to stay in their marriage (unless there is abuse).
God does not condone divorce due to a spiritual mismatch. See 1 Corinthians 7: 12-15. We tend to shy away from messy situations, but God may be calling us to step in and counter the advice society offers abundantly.
11. Counsel women before marriage to adhere to 2 Corinthians 6:14.
It may be unpopular advice, but your young women, especially, need to hear real stories of how difficult it could be to marry an unbeliever. Many women enter marriage thinking they can save their spouse, but only Jesus can. Share the truth lovingly.
In addition to later listening to the complete interview on Focus on the Family, I had the opportunity to see the movie The Case for Christ over the weekend. I went with a friend who has read both books – Spiritual Mismatch and The Case for Christ. The movie more closely parallels the Spiritual Mismatch book. Consider watching the movie with your team as part of a training on ministering to women who are unequally yoked. It will make for some good discussion!
I’d love for you all to chime in! How else can we minister to women who are unequally yoked?
Consider reviewing these following books for additional resources:
(Please note I have not personally had the opportunity to read them.)
Spiritual Mismatch: Hope for Christians Married to Someone Who Doesn’t Know God
Unequally Yoked
Without a Word: Living Abundantly as the Wife of an Unbeliever
When He Doesn’t Believe: Help and Encouragement for Women Who Feel Alone in Their Faith
One year ago: What Women Really Want From Your Women’s Ministry
Two years ago: Mission Project: Operation Sandwich
Three years ago: Providing Better Training
Christina says
I love this article. I am married to a non-believer. I wasn’t really a follower when we got married I was baptized but I had never read the bible and just assumed my husband was a believer. I really came to Christ 3 years ago and really started living a life for him and attending church and reading my bible and praying and developing my relationship with Jesus. This subject is so important to me as I’ve been the girl in the seat feeling left out when “marriage” is talked about because it seems to always be geared toward the biblical marriage of two believers with the man leading his family. I have been blessed to be in a church where childcare is provided often and I have been able to connect and meet other Christian women to help me on my path.
My concern is not every woman is “free” to do these things as their husbands demand they not spend that time at church, my husband works a lot and doesn’t mind if I participate. I am actually meeting with our women’s ministry leader to talk about starting a support group for women in this position in life. I personally have struggled in the past with feeling like if I grow in Christ too much my marriage won’t last because he won’t keep up and we will be too different, I’ve been belittled and mocked for reading my bible at home, I’ve felt ashamed to sit alone in church service, I’ve been inadequate as a Christian because I can’t even get my husband to love Jesus how am I going to effect other people. I know now that none of these things are true and they are lies from the enemy but many women may not know that and if they don’t know others are like they may just give up and quit coming all together.
So for all the women on here that are in this situation I am curious what would you benefit from in a small group/support group with women in the same situation?
Cyndee Ownbey says
Christina, thank you for sharing your experience. I think a support group would be very helpful to women in this situation. Although finding a time/space for them to connect could prove challenging… Praying the Lord will show you what is needed.
Elaine says
I don’t know where to go for support as a married women of 53 yrs., age 75, to an unbeliever. We married as unbelievers and I came to the Lord in my early 30’s. I have been an active member in church since then but always by myself, feeling like a single. People have actually assumed I’m single because they haven’t seen me with a spouse.
Every time there is an activity advertised for couples, like “Date Night Dinner”, “Marriage Renewal”, or a family event, I wish I could participate. But I stay home feeling left out and lonely.
My current church family is a wonderful group of mostly young families so the activities are geared more to young couples and children. I have no grandchildren. In another church I led a Pioneer Girl class for two years and loved having the connection with 8-10 year old girls but I’m in a new church now and there are mostly very large farm families with 4-6 children each. I haven’t been able to connect with so many children. With COVID restrictions I have missed many Sunday’s and could only watch services on Youtube.
I guess I’m feeling lonely and disconnected from church and my husband. We can’t have any deep discussion about mostly anything. I’ve tried to gently share my feelings but he just feels threatened by what he doesn’t know and can’t control.
I’m depressed and feeling like all I can do is try to accept where I am and not have hope that my life will change. I try to earnestly pray for my husband but that gets more difficult each day.
Thanks for giving me a way to voice these feelings, something that’s hard for me to do openly.
Bless you for caring.
Cyndee Ownbey says
Oh, Elaine… thank you for your message. I am so sorry that you are struggling to connect in your new church. Have you reached out to the women’s ministry director? She may be able to help you get connected. You may also want to consider seeking biblical counseling to help you with your depression and marriage.
I pray you won’t give up hope that your husband will become a believer. One of the sweetest baptisms I ever witnessed was a man in his 70’s whose wife had prayed for him for years! Praying God will help you to live out 1 Peter 3:1-2, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
Sherrie says
Thank you for this article! Many great points to consider.
Cyndee Ownbey says
Sherrie, so glad you found it helpful! 🙂
Shelly says
It is hard sometimes when your husband does not attend church with you. I have learned to pray over him and ask God to help him not be against me going. The closer you draw to God, the way is not so hard. He alone gives you the strength and ability to do what He ask of you. Plus don’t be so hard on yourself. Only God can be everywhere all the time.
Cyndee Ownbey says
Shelly – thank you so much for your words of wisdom!